I Just Don’t Know

the road ahead

 

I have been in kind of a funk lately. It happened after Thanksgiving. During the weekend, I was looking forward in a way to going back to work, but then once it was Monday, I wanted to do anything BUT work. All last week, and this week, I keep thinking how ready I am for the time off I’m going to take at the end of the year.

I’m sure part of this is because I’m coming off of a month of frantically busy stuff and I’m just now reaching my limit. But I think the other reason is that as the year draws to a close, I’m wondering what’s ahead, and the fact that I’m not quite sure is kind of discouraging. (It’s probably not helping that my apartment is a disaster zone right now..)

So I did some thinking today about what I ultimately want. Just in general, not solely for work. I made a list, and when I was finished, I realized I do or have most of the things on that list. There are a couple that are still just out of reach, but I think it would be boring to live a life where you have everything you could ever want, and nothing to work for.

The list actually made me feel a lot better. I think I can bounce between feeling engaged, excited, and productive – or feeling detached, lazy, and unproductive. It alters my worldview, and my work habits, considerably when I’m in these states of mind, and they are directly affected by what’s going on in my life at the moment. I’m definitely in the latter camp right now. The difference is, this time I keep plugging away, and I can feel myself coming out of it. It’s completely because I have this list, sitting next to me, reminding me that everything can’t be that bad.

My new plan is to come up with a plan, and lose the fear that I have about making the ‘right’ choices. I’ve been approaching everything with a ‘who knows, let’s wait and see!’ attitude. It was great in July, but now, more often than not, I feel anxious when I think about what’s to come. I’ve learned so much since I started this journey, and I want to start putting some of that to use.

I’m ready to step up my game, and make 2012 my bitch.