The second half of this year has been a little rough for me.
I had a really good first half. It felt like things were picking up with my business, and stuff was going the way it was supposed to. What happened then was that I took on too much, and stalled out a little bit. After regrouping, I realized… This is not the right direction for me. I’m not going to get into details, but what ended up taking 90% of my time were things that I hated doing. I was stressed, and the thought of doing even more of the same was not exciting, it was overwhelming. So, I took a mental step back, and reassessed my situation. I briefly thought that maybe I didn’t even want to be a designer – maybe I should do something completely different. The good news is that I have decided on a direction I want to go in: I want to make things, preferably with my hands. I love the design process, and I still want to design things – I’m just not sure that the way I’ve been going about it is the right way.
So, why am I telling you this? Because this is kind of where I’m at – and it’s weighed so heavily on my mind that it seems weird to not write about it here. Freelancing is a real struggle, let me tell you, and the only thing that makes it worth it (for me, at least) is the overwhelming joy and pride I take in my work. When I’m at a point where I can’t find the joy, that’s the time to change directions.
I feel weird about sharing this, and I feel weird for feeling it. I should have this figured out by now! Sometimes I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels, and it will never get easier, or better. I often feel like I should just give up and get a real job, because OBVIOUSLY this will never all fall into place. But I think I am learning valuable lesson. I’ve been trying to push my way into something that I don’t truly love, that I don’t get excited about, and that doesn’t get me up in the morning. I didn’t know that in January, but now I know. It’s not stupid to take a look around, and see what I can do to get myself to a better place.
Now that I’ve taken off my blinders, so to speak, I can see a lot of options. I have a lot of ideas on how to move forward, and I am looking forward to using the upcoming weeks to learn and grow, and start moving in what is hopefully the right direction. I will obviously share that direction with you once it’s established – I’m a little all over the place right now.
So that’s how I’m feeling right now. I’m sharing this kind of in the spirit of things I’m afraid to tell you. I’m afraid that by telling the world this, they’ll see I don’t have my shit together and will eat me alive. But I hope that by telling the world this, other people who are going through the same thing will come forward, or at least see that they aren’t alone.